I never listen to myself.
I think we all find it hard to take our own advice, even when deep down we know what’s best for us. I even find it hard to sometimes take my mum’s advice, I think it’s cause I KNOW she KNOWS what’s best for me and I’m just too stubborn to listen. So I don’t.
My biggest issue is that I don’t listen.
Or more that I don't know when or who to listen to. The two voices that should influence me most of all, are my mother’s and my own, and I tend to ignore both.
With my mum it's things like, "don't pluck your eyebrows." She was right, I just thought I knew better.
It's more my own voice. I didn’t realise it but it’s my subconscious, my internal voice that I just don't know how to interpret. Your head knows and can see everything that your heart just doesn't understand. It's like they clash and they're sometimes the hardest things to distinguish.
For instance, my head knows that a third bowl of cereal is completely over-doing it and my waist knows it too but I can’t help but really want it. My heart. My heart wants that third bowl of Corn Flakes because the first two just weren’t satisfying enough for me but my head knows full well that, in all honestly, one would have sufficed.
Often, differentiating the two isn't an issue. Most times your head just takes lead...
“Don’t leave the gas on,” I personally think is a good instinct to have, otherwise my house might explode. (I don’t know if that would really happen but I don’t really want to find out either).
"Do not talk to strangers." A concept drilled into me as a kid (rightly so). In that case, mum and dad's voices feel like the strongest and safest to listen to.
“Always look left and right... and left again.”
“Don’t walk late at night, especially in Stratford.”
My head is the sensible one. It knows what's right for me and what's best for me. It knows that when I touch a hot pan, to instantaneously retract my hand. Reflex Action. It helps my eyes work out the distance between myself and the oncoming car. My subconscious, my brain or whatever you want to call it is what keeps me alive. It knows what my body NEEDS.
My heart does a very different thing. Yes I need it to pump blood around my body but it makes me feel in a different way. People often refer to making a decision based on your head or your heart. And I've discovered that's easier said than done. Your head plays devil's advocate and you're stuck between those animated angels and devils that forever sit upon each shoulder. "Listen to your gut." "Do what's right." Honestly, sometimes they are two completely different things.
And honestly, sometimes I don't even want to know what my head thinks.
I don’t know whether it’s just me overthinking it or do we all do this? We completely ignore what might be best for us all because it’s not what we want to do.
I realise that there isn't really a message behind this blog. I’m just frustrated that I don’t know what to listen to - my head or my heart.
I'm stuck. I find myself wanting something that could be so great but deep down I know it's not good for me.
What do you do when you completely fall for someone who completely understands you and is confused by you all the same? Someone who you’re so desperate to be with but physically can’t be because they're so far away? And when you are together it’s so amazing but as soon as you leave, you realise 80% of the time you’ll never be with them.
This isn’t a blog post about a boy (kind of/maybe/not really) but I’m just frustrated.
I’m angry that I’m at the point where, in the heat of the moment I tell him to leave me alone and he goes and does the worst thing possible.
He listens to me.
Of all people to listen to...